Holy Crap! 26 Days to go.....

So with the Holidays and stuff I do have to apologize that I did not really have time to write even though I really didn't do too much (I couldn't find the power cord to my laptop).  I have mostly finished Kelly's room which might I add as the broke Martha Stewart (I hate her, she represents all that is unholy in decorating) is pretty freaking cool except for not hanging the big pictures on the walls since she wants to hang her TV up.

I guess I will start off with the fun vagina facts of the day...
     1. "The ladies are equipped to do some serious lifting with their nether-regions!  A Russian woman       named Tatiana Kozhevnikov BROKE the WORLD RECORD when she demonstrated the sheer power possessed by her Herculean muffin.  She was able to lift a staggering 31 POUNDS with nothing but her peach.  Theoretically, her vagina could help carry in the groceries."

Where do I start off with the WHAT THE HELL in that quote.
A.  This chick sat around doing labia lifts for the sheer hell of it.
B.  There was a previously set WORLD RECORD.... how do you contact Guinness about that "Yes I was wondering what the PPSI -pussy pounds per square inch- record was right now?  Oh only 29.5 lbs.... HA! Come on over and let me show you my Herculean Hoo Hah."
C.  She labialy lifted more than the THREE cats that live in my house weigh.... combined.
D.  That is 10 pounds more than the Turkey I made for Thanksgiving weighed.
E.  How do you actually lift something with your vagina? 
F.  Does Shark Liver add to the lifting ability?

     2.  "The largest vagina ever recorded belonged to a giant woman named Anna Bates.  She was 7 foot 5 inches and weighed in at a whopping 350 pounds.  That is a woman with a lot of vagina.  The Guinness book of World Records recorded that she gave birth to a 23 pound baby with a 19 inch head."

Oh where oh where do they get this stuff?
A.  That kid was born with a head that is almost as big as Oprah's. 
B.   How do you measure a vagina?

     3.  "At the 2009 Masturbate-a-Thon, a new world record was set in the female ejaculation category.  The nameless contestant was able to shoot fluid 10 feet!  Let's just hope her accuracy isn't as impressive -- she could become the ultimate prankster"

A.  I DO NOT remember reading about any of these World Records in Guinness.  My books must have stopped a the 'U' section.
B.  Who in their right mind would want to attend a Masturbate-a-Thon?  Somehow I am not seeing too much publicity about this obviously yearly event.  No telethons or anything have been scheduled on PBS. 
C.  This comes (haha) in my "I wish a MF would" category.  If I just happen to be innocently walking by a group of people am I going to have to worry about it being the 2012 Masterbate-a-Thon or do they rent out a convention center somewhere in Iowa? 

I am getting kind of nervous about my surgery.  I am still worried as I am sure anyone would be, but I know it must be done.  I am getting tired of the "Did you get a second opinion".... uh DUH.  Naw I took the advice of the first doctor out the gate when it comes to my vaginal health.  Yes I got a second opinion, and third, fourth, fifth... heck I lost count on how many doctors I have seen.  Considering that with my flipped/tilted cervix and uterus they basically need the jaws of life when I have any kind of exam done and the daily pain I am in, this is my best option.  Final option, no going back and saying just kidding option, this is it. 

Even knowing this, I am scared shitless about this.  Not the surgery but the getting better part.  I have NEVER gotten better in the time, shape, or fashion that is considered normal.  I am trying to come up with a device to put on my abdomen so my cats (who sit in my lap and don't understand if I don't let them) won't pop my stitches like one of them did after my vascular surgery.  Fun times.

My friend See has come up with an idea for me to wrap bubble wrap around me and my idea was a TV tray placed over my lap.  I will have to try both out. 

I only have 6 work days this month as I am taking leave to clean my house completely so I will not have to look at stuff while I am laying on a daybed in my living room.  Nathan is also coming from Chicago to see me before my surgery so I am looking forward to my big little brother. 

I think that the closer I get to my surgery, the older my soul gets.  I was in Michael's the other day and saw a sweater/afghan maker (loom) and was seriously considering getting it and making crap while I'm lounging around.  I think beading is going to go on the back burner since I cant really do that laying/sitting in bed.  :-(

I am also trying to decide what I am going to eat while being immobile without packing on the pounds.  I will be able to do some upper body exercises so I might look like Popeye when all this is finished.... which way to the gun show?  And if the Paulette the lesbian lumberjack syndrome rears its ugly hairy head, the guns might come in handy as I fight my way back to the feminine side.

My NO baby shower is quickly approaching also.  Come one, Come all, bring kids too.  See the blog post about the time, place and date. 

Isabel my Warrior Princess has finished her 6th round of Chemo and should be going home in the next few days.  Her mother Ivey is one of the strongest people I know.  Her father Aldo is pretty cool too :-).  Who would have thought that me buying an Infiniti 4 years ago would bring people into my life that will be lifelong friends?  Even though the National G Club is not what it used to be, the core group of people are ALWAYS there for each other no matter what.  Through my car I have met my mechanics (Chris Yi, Will and Steve) from Elite Importz as well as their families and friends.  I know this has nothing to do with my upcoming surgery but just thinking about Isa and the lives she has touched makes you realize that God or whatever you believe in, brings people into your life for a reason and you need to cherish the good ones and let the bad ones go. 

UMM but one complaint... Children's Hospital, how do you NOT offer free parking to parents of paitents?  Not only do they have to worry about their sick CHILDREN, costs of copays, deductibles etc... they now have to worry about paying for parking.  That is horrible. 

I think my biggest fear is still not being able to find someone who will want me for the long haul knowing I am not able to have children.  I know a surrogate is an option but I rather adopt. 

Well I'm going to try to sleep now since I have to be up in four hours to go to work but somehow I think I am in one of my insomina cycles.... yuck.