Ursula the Undulating Uterus

Sorry it has been so long since I have written.  Lots of things happening around here.

     I did NOT win the tacky sweater/cape contest.  I did, however, lose to a  great item of Holiday Horridness.  I then had to deal with the angriest nether regions that I have ever had to deal with in my 34 years on this earth.  I guess Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned and Ursula the undulating uterus ganged up against me to show me who is boss.  Hahaha bitches, you are gone in T-minus 41 days.

     It is starting to really sink in that I am having this procedure done.  I cant lie, I'm scared shitless.  I know it is for the best, and know that it will alleviate a lot of issues but it is scary.  I look at babies differently now.  I look at them like, "I know I cant really deal with the raising of baby but I will NEVER be able to have one."  By have one I don't mean adoption, I mean have one out of me.  It is a disturbing reality.  A reality I have to stare at in the mirror but a reality nonetheless.  I am really ok with this decision but it does not negate the feelings I have.  There is some trepidation but I honestly know that in the end this is for my health.

Kelly will be home in February (whoo hoo) so she can help take care of me after my mom leaves.  Joy for her.  LOL.

My friend Jolene sent me this article called "15 crazy things about Vaginas."

Item ONE is:

Pubic hair is not just a biological accident that forces us to the waxing salon. It serves three critical functions. First, it protects the delicate vagina. Second, it serves as a reproductive billboard to alert potential mates that you are biologically (if not emotionally) prepared to procreate. And last, it's a pheromone carpet and traps the scents that lead potential mates to the promised land. So you might think twice before you shave it all off. It's there for a reason. Embrace it.

     ummmmm HELL NO.  This is not the 1970's porn expo in my pants.  Her Royal Majesty is not going to look like Buckwheat from the little rascals in a leg lock.  As far as the reproductive billboard, yeah AIN'T happening.  It is kind of like that billboard that has been left to weather in the elements from an event that happened years earlier but no one cared enough about to take down.  Somewhere in a truck lot in east bumblefuck Baltimore.  My reproductive billboard is the lot lizard of the billboard world.

     Pheromone carpet?  I don't even like carpet in my HOUSE why the hell would I want it in my pants?

Item 2. is:

There are 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, dedicated exclusively to female pleasure. The penis only has 4000. Who says God didn't take care of us girls?

      This might be the reason why God's name is called wayyyyy more than usual during this activity.  Shoutout to the man upstairs.

Item 4:
     The vagina doesn't connect to the lung. While the vagina can expand, it's not an open conduit to the abdominal cavity. While microscopic sperm can swim through a tiny hole in the cervix, a tampon simply won't fit. So if you lose something in there, don't worry. Reach in all the way and pull it out. Do not -- I repeat, do not -- go hunting for whatever you've lost with a pair of pliers. Think of your vagina as being like a sock. If you lose a banana in a sock...it stays in the sock.
   Why does "is that a sock in your pants" have a whole new meaning now.

Item 5:
     Yes, it's true -- your vagina can fall out. Not to belabor the sock metaphor, but it can turn inside out just like a worn out sweat sock and hang between your legs as you get older. But don't fret; this condition -- called pelvic prolapse -- can be fixed.
     This is what I am afraid of... really?  How can I explain that to the hordes of men who will be led to the promised land by my pheromone carpet?  She was so happy to meet you that she came out into the front yard?

Item 6:
     Vaginas have something in common with sharks. Both contain squalene, a substance that exists in both shark livers and natural vaginal lubricant. (Cue music: "She's a maneater...")
     I hope my great white shark vagina does not run out of lubricant (which according to my brother is going to be a dried out husk) because where the hell would I find a shark liver?  There is no Chinatown in Baltimore.  And I suck big ones at fishing.

Item 9:
     While hair on your head can live up to seven years, pubic hair has a life expectancy of about three weeks, which is why it only grows so long. So don't worry if you opt not to groom your pubes -- you won't need to braid them any time soon.
      I dont know about you but I have ran into some lack of manscapers who must have pubic hair with a life expectancy of 3 years. 

Item 13:
     Vaginal farts (some call them "queefs" or "varts") happen to almost all women at one time or another, especially during sex or other forms of exercise. So don't be embarrassed if your hooha lets out a toot. You're perfectly normal.
     I am not really worried about the "varts" its the regular ones when I'm doing situps that I'm afraid of.  LOL

Well I'm off to my CPR class so I can re learn how to save someone.

Rockem Sockem Ovaries

Hey y'all been a few days since I have made an entry.  So here goes nothing.

After being in pain for about 4 days after the horrible test they put me through I thought I had recovered.  WRONG!!!  My ovaries (Tweedle-Dee andTweedle-Dumb) have gotten the memo about their best friend Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned's early exit and have started letting me now their displeasure about my decision. 

I woke up this morning to Rockem Sockem Ovaries ala the children's game of the 1960's.   I have gotten used to the pain over the last decade or so but some days are worse than others.  I have done this without the use of painkillers for the most part as I have always been afraid of getting addicted to them and I do not really like the way they make me feel.  This being said it sucks big donkey balls sometimes and days that I want to curl up in my bed and hug my cats (Dior and Issey, mommy loves you :-) ) but I have to drag myself out of my comfortable bed and head to work with a somewhat happy face.  For those who know me in uniform, I usually have people tell me I look mean but underneath the ABUs I'm really a softie.

Our holiday party is coming up this week and even if I feel like crap I will go as I have made the tackiest Christmas Shawl in history.  I have seen some of the competition and it is stiff.  My friend/escort from previous blog entry Nichole's boyfriend is one of the best I have seen.  I on the other hand am unable to grow chest hair so shaving a Christmas tree into said non existent chest chair is not going to happen. 

yes.  complete with lights and music, made out a tree skirt.

Kelly is still in Afghanistan and wish she would come home in time for my surgery but she wont get home until March which means that after the first week of my mommIE being here I will be on my own. This does concern me a little but I'm sure my bestie will come up here I need her to. 

I guess the good things that will come of this hysterectomy are:
1. Less pain, wont take all the pain away but will cut it down drastically
2. added to my sleep disorder I will be on a permanent day schedule (except for mandatory missions to keep currency)
3. with a permanent day schedule I will be able to start college classes for the summer semester.  This means I should have my Associates by my birthday.

Christmas is coming up soon and Im not really festive but am making the best of it.  Less than 50 days to go until I dont have a uterus.  40 days until my NO baby shower. 

Shadow says Merry Catmas to all and to all a good night. 

You are vigorous in words and action.

in bed.  Well that is what my mommIE says we have to add to the end of fortune cookies, and that was my fortune today.  I have a feeling that in February I am NOT going to be feeling too vigorous in words OR actions, especially in bed.

51 days and a wakeup before my hysterectomy.  __ days and a wakeup is what we in the military say when we have something to do in the future.... when you are deployed or stationed on a remote it is a way to put a drop dead date.  This is my uterus' drop dead date.

I have not written in a few days but I have been pretty busy.  Also coming to grips with what I am doing.  I have gotten mixed reviews about why I am doing this blog.  Again, I am doing this to deal with MY hysterectomy.... not anyone elses.  I have figured out in the past that if you bitch, whine and moan about something it is NOT going to make it better so me being down in the dumps about something that is clearly unhealthy is not going to change my diagnosis.  Soooooo out with the vahyena. (in my Queen of Hearts voice)

Also because of my pre-op appointments and work commitments before my surgery, I am probably never going to be able to see my step-grandma (Miss Lucy) again.  She is not doing well and my mommIE is going to hopefully see her in January.  I have my pre-op appointments mid-January and don't know if I will need more evasive procedures done pre-surgery so I can not commit to going with her. 

On a lighter note, I realized that I have TWO periods left.  TWO.  This is awesome.  I have gotten to the point that only 2 or 3 days a month is pain free because of Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned.  I am ecstatic about this and think that this is the main reason I am really ok with having this procedure done. 

I got the space for my NO baby shower reserved (Thanks Ken) and it will be held:
January 22, 2012
Clarion Hotel
6400 Oxon Hill RD, Oxon Hill MD 20745
12-3pm
there is a buffet available until 2pm that is $14ish.
*** New and used baby/children's items will be collected and donated to charity.  I called Paul's Place (the soup kitchen I volunteer at) and they said as far as diapers are concerned they need the larger sizes and pullups for both girls and boys.
*** Monetary donations will go to Isa's Warrior Princess fund to help my friend's daughter with her cancer treatment costs.  She is 4 years old and is fighting Stage 3 lymphoma. (GO ISABEL!!!) a paypal account for her has been set up with the email address of isawarriorprincess@gmail.com attached to it. 

I also went by Cakes Plus to see about a cake for the shower. I don't think they were ready for me as I asked for a NO baby Shower and a Happy Hysterctomy cake.  The lady thought I was going to play a cruel joke on someone.  Ummm no lady this is for me.  She then gave me a look of pity.  Don't pity me, I just want a delicious cake crazy lady.

I guess my biggest fear is that no one will want a long lasting relationship with me because I can not bear children.  My best boy friend forever (BBFF) says that I can adopt and if someone has a problem with that, he is not for me.  I love my Shawn even though he says I am a stalker.  I tell him there is no such thing as mutual stalking we just like each other a lot and get over it, he is stuck with me forever.  He better want to get in on the ground floor because I am going to make more than him when I retire and hover rounds are expensive!  (I do think stalking is horrible and I don't stalk him) 

I am not feeling to festive today BUTTTTTT I did find a Christmas Tree AND Mrs. Claus outfit for Shadow so get ready for your Christmas card Kelly.  I did good today... They had a free cat adoption ($35.00 fee) at Pet Smart today and I KEPT WALKING... only because the cat I like had diarrhea and stank up the whole entire place.  Poor kitten but it was uber cute.  Plus it's Kelly's turn to get an animal. 

I also am in a little pain because I got my half sleeve tattoo finished yesterday and I already made appointments for my artist to come to my house and tattoo my feet while I am on bed rest.  Unfortunately my tattoo artist (Calvin "Champ" Parker) will NOT tattoo "Thugg Life" on my stomach.  I am very upset at this but he says it is for my own good.  I think if we bedazzle it, it can be a super cute tattoo.

I am also in the process of making a tacky Christmas Shawl.  So you and your tacky Christmas sweater can suck it.  I will be making this out of a velvet tree skirt.  This is taking longer than I expected as the lights are being a little pain to put on but it will happen and I will post pictures.  This may be a career idea just like the Tacky Christmas Sweater lady.  This makes me a jewelry and shawl making cat lady. 

Well I gotta to finish putting this garland on my shawl.  Later.

Don't Touch it YOUR'E going to DIE.

So my mommIE (that's the way she likes it spelled) is probably going to kill me over this post but here goes nothing.

Don't Touch it Your'e going to Die was a mantra my brother and I grew up with.  This was yelled usually after our whole names "Morgan MacKenzie Wright get the hell in here" or right after the ship's bell... yes I said SHIP bell was rang which in itself would embarrass the fuck out of us because all of our friends thought it was the ice cream man but alas it was Angry Mom. 

Whenever we would hurt ourselves we would hear this.  This was heard when I got stung by a bee (allergic and swell up like Violet on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), this was also heard when I had talked Nathan into sticking a crape myrtle bud in his nose.... it wasnt my freaking fault that the idiot sucked in instead of snot rocketing it out like I SHOWED him.  When he heard he was going to die he started crying and sucked it in more which got said bud really really stuck.  A quick trip to the ER got it out. 

This is going to be playing in my head when my mommIE takes care of me after my surgery.  Don't get me wrong she is the strongest person I know but.... she can be a little weird at times.  I keep having thoughts of her having remembrance or memorial ceremonies for Her Majesty Queen of the Damned.  A candlelight vigil might be nice also how long of a mourning period is there for a loss of this magnitude?  Are we talking tacky rest in peace shirts or full on Victorian era type mourning.

Though mourning jewelry has existed for thousands of years, it reached its peak during the Victorian era. Only jet (black amber) jewelry was allowed during First Mourning. Hair art was a popular trend. Hair of the deceased would be incorporated into lockets, brooches, watch fobs, and rings..... this is NOT going to happen, that would be awkward as hell. 

For one entire year, a woman could not leave her house without Full Mourning attire and a weeping veil. She could attend church services, but was never to be seen at places of amusement or entertainment. Even the houses were fully draped in black crepe banners to signify that there had been a death.... yeah right.  The death of my birthing ability is not going to make me mourn for shit... Probably throw a thanks for being there for 34 or so years but glad to see you go.  The veil might be cool though, just like a little jauntily perched wisp of lace type material, but I think it may be against AFI 36-2903 and according to them I am just soooo precariously perching on the line with not shaving my legs (I did not realize this was so offensive to that many people.... when are they going to add mens chest/back hair that creeps up above their collars?).  Oh yeah about leg hair, I have noticed that when I dont have a boyfriend my leg hair tends to grow at a faster rate OR I just get lazy.  I tried to shave yesterday before my appointment and that didnt go to well so I just wore long socks.  I dont think they noticed.

On a serious note, I need to redo my Will as Ray the "oh yeah this is my wife" Lewis is still on there and we allll know how that low budget episode of Cheaters went.  (I did NOT beat the shit out of him as I was in Virginia and they like to arrest people) This is just in case something horrible happens.  I also want to donate my body to science, specifically to the body farm at the University of Tennessee because that would just be bad ass.  I wonder if they will take the random uterus?  What's up Dr. Bass... call me!

I, Morgan Wright, do hereby dispose of and give my body, after my death, to The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, for use by the Department of Anthropology or its designee, for educational and research purposes. I request, authorize, and instruct my surviving spouse, next-of-kin, executor or the
physician who certifies my death to notify The University of Tennessee, Department of
Anthropology (telephone: (865) 974-4408), immediately after my death of the
availability of my body.

Maybe they can keep my tattoos... that would be creepy but would probably make a great lampshade.  But again the ADD has kicked in... back on topic Morgan, your vahyena.

She hates me again today.  I'm hoping it is just from the biopsy yesterday but maybe she heard her time here is limited and has started packing up shop.  


Here is a picture of Kelly's cat Shadow.  This is what I do besides make jewelry and work. 

Not a good day... but I'm here

So let's start off with the good news.  Nichole my petite escort is safe and sound.  I on the other hand wanted to crawl up in a ball and die.  Why cant men have tests like this?  I think then they would understand why we can become bitchy once a month.

The appointment started off well.  The medicine is not going on my list of 1. Stripper tools or 2. Pain killer of any sort.  I would have been better off sucking on a sucrets lozenge or better yet shoving one up my hoo hah and hoping for the best.

I had a pap done also which went as uncomfortable as normal but the real kicker happened when they did the culture of my uterus, which for those of you who DONT know.... is not really supposed to see the light of day so to say there are some security measures (aka CERVIX) is an understatement. This being said I could probably equate the pain to what I would assume the victims of Vlad the Impaler went through.

I have to get ready for work even though I just want to lay in bed with a heating pad.

My doctor did say that I will probably get the less invasive laporscopic (cant spell) surgery because as she says right before turning bright red... "Its pretty tight up in there"  Yeahhhh budddy!!

Well me and Vlaad the Vagina are getting ready to go save the world.  See Yall later.

Chelsea Handler.... call me girl! :-)

So this will be my daily funniest FB posts/conversations regarding my doomed Vahyena (yes vagina and hyena mixed as I feel Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned is laughing like a hyena at me.

Most of these wonders in comedic content come from my brother and I...  here goes nothing.

Nate: We should have one of dad's metal working friends make a Memorial plaque. We can put on mommie and daddie porch and name it the Morgan Wright Vagina Memorial Porch (1977-2012)

Me:  Lmaoooo... Or the potter dude. Memorial plate collection. Put it right next to the cement fertility goddess... Fat bit of good that bitch did. Lol

Nate:  BAHAHAHAHA, we can have his whole artist collective do representational memorial art show in his gallery

Me: Instead of 10,000 villages it can be 10,000 vaginas.

This is from Nate's page...

Nate: So this is my sister's, Morgan Wright's, new blog about her upcoming hysterectomy and the dried out husk that will be her vagina.  ENJOY!
 
Me:  Dried out husk? WTF dude... KY all day.

Nate's friend:  i'm 'liking' your sisters dried up vagina. facebook takes me new places everyday



Me: Thanks. I just have to remember to hydrate hydrate hydrate... And not get kicked out of support groups.


Nate's Friend:  Impowering

Me:  Tell that to the nun and lesbian that got me kicked out of the support group.... Might be the same person. Hahahaha


This banter has made me think of what to do with my "new" space.  I figure this would be a great way to finally break into that challenging career of drug mule for the Mexican Cartels.  

Or TLC could bring back Trading Spaces... I'm sure it would look great redecorated.  


Imagine the Storage Wars that could go on up in there.... whooo hooo I can see the auctioneer "Hey folks you have five minutes to look but cant touch any items and cant go into the unit."


I do have some concerns.... I have always heard the old saying "like a hot dog down a hallway" to explain the extra room in a woman's lady area (or as my friend Tua describes it... lady pond)


 
 

Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Gotcha...  No this is not a weird skit from SNL but I AM GOOD ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH and GOSH DARN IT PEOPLE LIKE ME.

Today was an ok day.  This is where my blog will include medical crap as well as my usual brand of comedy.

I found out 4 days ago I was going to have a full hysterectomy in January, I joined an unnamed well known support group for women with hysterectomies.  I guess humor gets removed with your uterus as my posts have been deleted and I have been "warned" if not out right asked to leave the forum.  I apparently pissed off a Nun and a lesbian.  I am not really sure if they were the same person.

My fear of Nuns started in 7th grade when I started attending St Charles Catholic school in Arlington VA.  Sister Benedict (Sister B) was the principal who instilled fear in her students one stiff wigged look at a time.  It took me years to understand why she wore a wig and I then thought it was cool.  (The whimple she wore for years made her lose hair)

I then went to an all girls Catholic School for 9th grade and was called a little bitch on a regular basis for not wanting to convert to Catholicism (like that was going to make me want to)..... but I digress.  Back to the reason for my blog, my angry vagina.

Since getting kicked out of the support group, I have been thinking of starting my own.  It will be called the VA.... (haha get it, Im in the military) and yes it will be a 12 step anonymous group called..... wait for it.....
Vaginas Anonymous.

Tomorrow will be my first real step into knowing this is real.  I am having an Endometrial (side-note, spell check suggested detrimental- kind of fitting huh) Biopsy.  This is where they go in and scrape the inside of my uterus to check for something.  I will be under a pain medication I have never taken before so this should be REALLY interesting.  Also one of my coworkers will be my escort which should also be interesting.  Not only will I be on some new medication, the girl who is my escort is very petite.  VERY PETITE.  I on the other hand am NOT petite.  I am more "robust" as you could say.  I am hoping to all that is holy that I do not crush Nicole while under the effects of the medication.  I am hoping for the best but new pain killers in the past have been known to make me do crazy things.  I do believe I tried to strip at the dentists office while on Halicon and have punched doctors in the past, so if there are any news reports of a naked robust drugged up tattooed woman streaking through Bethesda National Naval Medical Center being chased by a very petite girl who has her jaw wired shut, it is just me.  No need to panic.  I hopefully will NOT remember this if anything remotely close to this happens.

Closing this post so I can keep one thought per post per say.

Paulette Bunyan the Lesbian Lumberjack syndrome

So another thing I asked my doctor was about hair growth as I see females with feminine issues grow hair in not so feminine places.

This brings me back to the summertime when Kelly and I heard about a place that had half price sushi during happy hour.... SCORE!.  I had been working steadily for a week or so, so needless to say I neglected to shave my legs (no body sees them in my uniform and the cats dont care).  In my rush to score half priced sushi I threw together what will forever be known in my mind as the lesbian lumberjack outfit.  It consisted of lime green khaki type capris, a hot pink plaid cap sleeve shirt and some hot pink patent leather leopard print Nike dunks.  Sounds weird but it works.

Kelly on the other hand is looking ladylike and had tons of boobage everywhere.  They sat us at a table that was probably a foot squared.  Like a floor tile on a stand.  Then said half priced sushi came on a plate that was about a foot and half long with two pieces of fish on it.  Really?  We looked like two fat girls at an all you can eat buffet trying to balance these humongous plates on top of each other while trying to catch the eye of someone with a penis.  I then realized with horror that we looked like a power lesbian couple (shout out to my gay friends, love ya!) as she looked like the lipstick lesbian and I on the other hand looked like a lumberjack.

This being said, I think I will start stocking up on hair removal products just in case I get random patches of hair where hair should not be growing.

NO Baby Shower Date and location

Date: January 22nd 2012
Location: Clarion Hotel National Harbor
     6400 Oxon Hill Road
     Oxon Hill Maryland
Time: 12-3pm  there is a buffet available at the hotel for the cost of about $14 per person. 
any donations from people not able to make it can be sent to the paypal account
isawarriorprincess@gmail.com and make sure you put Isa's Warrior Princess fund.

Thanks.

58 Days to go...

Hello All.  This is my first attempt at a blog so bear with me.  Some of the things I will mention in my blog will probably be crass, weird, crazy and just plain funny.  This is my attempt to show people who may be going through the same issue as I am that there is a way to deal with it with humor rather than depression.  I suck at grammar so deal with the lack of proper punctuation.  I also have ADD so as far as staying on topic.... forget it!

My name is Morgan Wright and I am 34 years old.  I am a SSgt in the Air Force and live in Baltimore Maryland with my roommate Kelly (deployed to Afghanistan right now) and 3 cats.  I only claim Dior and Issey as Shadow belongs to Kelly.  I have been told that January 31st 2012 I will be the last day I will have a uterus and a cervix.  This blog is a countdown to that date.  Also what I assume to be my countdown to becoming a cat lady as I have heard if they take a pussy they give you one on the way out of the hospital.  Yessss, I can't wait.

I dont know wether or not to start this like a bad episode of Star Trek...... Star date 5 December... journey into the final C*unteir or a trip down the Hysterectomy Highway but here goes nothing.

I have had issues with my lady parts and have never had a cute name for it but as of right now I will start calling it Her Royal Magesty, Queen of the Damned (HRM,QD for short) as I feel that she hates me.  I have always had painful periods and was diagnosed with endometriosis and put on a wonderful (NOT) medication called Depot Lupron which was HELL in a needle.  I was 24 when this happened and I got put into medical menopause for 6 months.  The lack of a period was great but the other stuff sucked big donkey balls.  After the 6 months of excessive weight gain, night sweats, mood swings and hot flashes I became pre-diabetic.  I must also note that I have almost always worked a rotating shift schedule which I now have learned has added to my feminine issues.  After that I said F it and I would deal with the pain on my own. 

12 years or so ago I started having pretty bad unexplained back pain after a fall on my left hip but no one has been able to figure out.  I now understand that my flipped cervix and jacked up uterus can be adding to that by putting pressure on my nerves in my back.  Cool.  Not only is my messed up hoo hah causing me pain in the front but in the back as well.  Damn you HRM,QD you suck.  Also being flipped has had its funny parts... once a doctor shut the speculum ON my cervix and I told him that "hey buddy I need that for later" and my regular doctor was like "where the F is it? I might need the jaws of life for this sucker" (Dr. Rinis rocks!)

I have had a sneaking suspicion that after my last MRI in October where they found some fibroids, cysts and a Leiomyoma that a hysterctomy was in my near future.  My Grandmere died from a leiomyosarcoma and I have just been waiting for "my cancer" as every woman in my family has had some type of cancer except for my cousin and I. 

The first time the H word was brought up to me was about 12 years ago right before I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  I was told that I should get a double mascectomy and a full hysterectomy since cancer ran in my family and I might have the cancer "genes". Note to everyone.... do not tell the Male OB/GYN that he should cut his nuts off if he has testicular cancer in his family.  He didnt like that too much.
     *** sidenote... I do NOT like male OB/GYNs.  How can you explain to me why I have pain when you dont have the same freaking parts as me?  Also being told the "pain is in your head" by someone with a penis makes me want to punch them in it and ask where is the pain now asshole?

I had my appointment with Dr. Hudson at Bethesda National Naval Medcial Center on the 2nd of December.  She is awesome but a horrible artist.  According to her, my uterus looks like a light bulb. 
Now prior to this appointment I was at work talking with my friend Karen.  I brought up that this may be "the appointment" and we started discussing if you get to choose which parts to keep.  I didnt realize that you can keep your ovaries and just get rid of your uterus and vice versa.   I think that is cool.  I did ask Dr. Hudson what happens to the eggs since they will have no way to go.... I didnt want to get a new party trick "Come one, come all watch Morgan shoot egss out of her hoo hah" as I already have some pretty cool tricks of my own up my sleeve since all I do is work, make jewelry and dress up my roommates cat.  Ok when I say it out loud I seem to have a sad existence but I have fun doing all of that so Im pretty freaking cool. 
Dr. Hudson assured me that I would not be able to shoot eggs out of my snatch so I was relieved.  I also asked her what the chances were of a prolapse of my bladder or anything since I dont know what the hell goes on up in there and figured that my cervix was kind of like the cork on a bottle of wine.  She said that wont happen in most cases.

That is what I am afraid of.... most cases.... For those of you who dont know me.  I am UNLUCKY AS SHIT.  My cat popped my stitches from vascular surgery leaving me with a hole in my leg, I broke BOTH ELBOWS in a freak roller skating accident, I got MRSA from the gym while trying to get in a shape other than round and squishy and when I quit smoking I gained weight, cant breathe while working out and now need a hysterectomy. I think I was being held together from the tar from the newports I smoked. 

I will probably have body parts falling out left and right but maybe I can get the wonderful trans vaginal mesh I keep seeing on the class action law suit commercials.... AND I will have a screen door on the porch of loneliness.  SCORE!!!

So with my fears smoothed I moved on to scheduling my surgery.  It has been scheduled for 31 January 2012.  Upon telling my mother (who has no grandkids) she was cool with it.  So cool in fact that she called my little brother to tell him the "court is in your balls now".  This is my family.

I have set up a NO Baby Shower for the 22nd of January (snow date 29 January) to collect baby and childrens items, new or slightly used, that I can donate to charity.  Cash donations will be donated to Isabel's Warrior Princess fund to help my friends 4 year old daughter with her cancer treatment costs (it's $250.00 everytime she gets admitted to the hospital even though the deductible has been met. 

Well I'm off to make jewelry and think about my next entry.