So with the Holidays and stuff I do have to apologize that I did not really have time to write even though I really didn't do too much (I couldn't find the power cord to my laptop). I have mostly finished Kelly's room which might I add as the broke Martha Stewart (I hate her, she represents all that is unholy in decorating) is pretty freaking cool except for not hanging the big pictures on the walls since she wants to hang her TV up.
I guess I will start off with the fun vagina facts of the day...
1. "The ladies are equipped to do some serious lifting with their nether-regions! A Russian woman named Tatiana Kozhevnikov BROKE the WORLD RECORD when she demonstrated the sheer power possessed by her Herculean muffin. She was able to lift a staggering 31 POUNDS with nothing but her peach. Theoretically, her vagina could help carry in the groceries."
Where do I start off with the WHAT THE HELL in that quote.
A. This chick sat around doing labia lifts for the sheer hell of it.
B. There was a previously set WORLD RECORD.... how do you contact Guinness about that "Yes I was wondering what the PPSI -pussy pounds per square inch- record was right now? Oh only 29.5 lbs.... HA! Come on over and let me show you my Herculean Hoo Hah."
C. She labialy lifted more than the THREE cats that live in my house weigh.... combined.
D. That is 10 pounds more than the Turkey I made for Thanksgiving weighed.
E. How do you actually lift something with your vagina?
F. Does Shark Liver add to the lifting ability?
2. "The largest vagina ever recorded belonged to a giant woman named Anna Bates. She was 7 foot 5 inches and weighed in at a whopping 350 pounds. That is a woman with a lot of vagina. The Guinness book of World Records recorded that she gave birth to a 23 pound baby with a 19 inch head."
Oh where oh where do they get this stuff?
A. That kid was born with a head that is almost as big as Oprah's.
B. How do you measure a vagina?
3. "At the 2009 Masturbate-a-Thon, a new world record was set in the female ejaculation category. The nameless contestant was able to shoot fluid 10 feet! Let's just hope her accuracy isn't as impressive -- she could become the ultimate prankster"
A. I DO NOT remember reading about any of these World Records in Guinness. My books must have stopped a the 'U' section.
B. Who in their right mind would want to attend a Masturbate-a-Thon? Somehow I am not seeing too much publicity about this obviously yearly event. No telethons or anything have been scheduled on PBS.
C. This comes (haha) in my "I wish a MF would" category. If I just happen to be innocently walking by a group of people am I going to have to worry about it being the 2012 Masterbate-a-Thon or do they rent out a convention center somewhere in Iowa?
I am getting kind of nervous about my surgery. I am still worried as I am sure anyone would be, but I know it must be done. I am getting tired of the "Did you get a second opinion".... uh DUH. Naw I took the advice of the first doctor out the gate when it comes to my vaginal health. Yes I got a second opinion, and third, fourth, fifth... heck I lost count on how many doctors I have seen. Considering that with my flipped/tilted cervix and uterus they basically need the jaws of life when I have any kind of exam done and the daily pain I am in, this is my best option. Final option, no going back and saying just kidding option, this is it.
Even knowing this, I am scared shitless about this. Not the surgery but the getting better part. I have NEVER gotten better in the time, shape, or fashion that is considered normal. I am trying to come up with a device to put on my abdomen so my cats (who sit in my lap and don't understand if I don't let them) won't pop my stitches like one of them did after my vascular surgery. Fun times.
My friend See has come up with an idea for me to wrap bubble wrap around me and my idea was a TV tray placed over my lap. I will have to try both out.
I only have 6 work days this month as I am taking leave to clean my house completely so I will not have to look at stuff while I am laying on a daybed in my living room. Nathan is also coming from Chicago to see me before my surgery so I am looking forward to my big little brother.
I think that the closer I get to my surgery, the older my soul gets. I was in Michael's the other day and saw a sweater/afghan maker (loom) and was seriously considering getting it and making crap while I'm lounging around. I think beading is going to go on the back burner since I cant really do that laying/sitting in bed. :-(
I am also trying to decide what I am going to eat while being immobile without packing on the pounds. I will be able to do some upper body exercises so I might look like Popeye when all this is finished.... which way to the gun show? And if the Paulette the lesbian lumberjack syndrome rears its ugly hairy head, the guns might come in handy as I fight my way back to the feminine side.
My NO baby shower is quickly approaching also. Come one, Come all, bring kids too. See the blog post about the time, place and date.
Isabel my Warrior Princess has finished her 6th round of Chemo and should be going home in the next few days. Her mother Ivey is one of the strongest people I know. Her father Aldo is pretty cool too :-). Who would have thought that me buying an Infiniti 4 years ago would bring people into my life that will be lifelong friends? Even though the National G Club is not what it used to be, the core group of people are ALWAYS there for each other no matter what. Through my car I have met my mechanics (Chris Yi, Will and Steve) from Elite Importz as well as their families and friends. I know this has nothing to do with my upcoming surgery but just thinking about Isa and the lives she has touched makes you realize that God or whatever you believe in, brings people into your life for a reason and you need to cherish the good ones and let the bad ones go.
UMM but one complaint... Children's Hospital, how do you NOT offer free parking to parents of paitents? Not only do they have to worry about their sick CHILDREN, costs of copays, deductibles etc... they now have to worry about paying for parking. That is horrible.
I think my biggest fear is still not being able to find someone who will want me for the long haul knowing I am not able to have children. I know a surrogate is an option but I rather adopt.
Well I'm going to try to sleep now since I have to be up in four hours to go to work but somehow I think I am in one of my insomina cycles.... yuck.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Ursula the Undulating Uterus
Sorry it has been so long since I have written. Lots of things happening around here.
I did NOT win the tacky sweater/cape contest. I did, however, lose to a great item of Holiday Horridness. I then had to deal with the angriest nether regions that I have ever had to deal with in my 34 years on this earth. I guess Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned and Ursula the undulating uterus ganged up against me to show me who is boss. Hahaha bitches, you are gone in T-minus 41 days.
It is starting to really sink in that I am having this procedure done. I cant lie, I'm scared shitless. I know it is for the best, and know that it will alleviate a lot of issues but it is scary. I look at babies differently now. I look at them like, "I know I cant really deal with the raising of baby but I will NEVER be able to have one." By have one I don't mean adoption, I mean have one out of me. It is a disturbing reality. A reality I have to stare at in the mirror but a reality nonetheless. I am really ok with this decision but it does not negate the feelings I have. There is some trepidation but I honestly know that in the end this is for my health.
Kelly will be home in February (whoo hoo) so she can help take care of me after my mom leaves. Joy for her. LOL.
My friend Jolene sent me this article called "15 crazy things about Vaginas."
Item ONE is:
ummmmm HELL NO. This is not the 1970's porn expo in my pants. Her Royal Majesty is not going to look like Buckwheat from the little rascals in a leg lock. As far as the reproductive billboard, yeah AIN'T happening. It is kind of like that billboard that has been left to weather in the elements from an event that happened years earlier but no one cared enough about to take down. Somewhere in a truck lot in east bumblefuck Baltimore. My reproductive billboard is the lot lizard of the billboard world.
Pheromone carpet? I don't even like carpet in my HOUSE why the hell would I want it in my pants?
Item 2. is:
Item 4:
The vagina doesn't connect to the lung. While the vagina can expand, it's not an open conduit to the abdominal cavity. While microscopic sperm can swim through a tiny hole in the cervix, a tampon simply won't fit. So if you lose something in there, don't worry. Reach in all the way and pull it out. Do not -- I repeat, do not -- go hunting for whatever you've lost with a pair of pliers. Think of your vagina as being like a sock. If you lose a banana in a sock...it stays in the sock.
Why does "is that a sock in your pants" have a whole new meaning now.
Item 5:
Yes, it's true -- your vagina can fall out. Not to belabor the sock metaphor, but it can turn inside out just like a worn out sweat sock and hang between your legs as you get older. But don't fret; this condition -- called pelvic prolapse -- can be fixed.
This is what I am afraid of... really? How can I explain that to the hordes of men who will be led to the promised land by my pheromone carpet? She was so happy to meet you that she came out into the front yard?
Item 6:
Vaginas have something in common with sharks. Both contain squalene, a substance that exists in both shark livers and natural vaginal lubricant. (Cue music: "She's a maneater...")
I hope my great white shark vagina does not run out of lubricant (which according to my brother is going to be a dried out husk) because where the hell would I find a shark liver? There is no Chinatown in Baltimore. And I suck big ones at fishing.
Item 9:
While hair on your head can live up to seven years, pubic hair has a life expectancy of about three weeks, which is why it only grows so long. So don't worry if you opt not to groom your pubes -- you won't need to braid them any time soon.
I dont know about you but I have ran into some lack of manscapers who must have pubic hair with a life expectancy of 3 years.
Item 13:
Vaginal farts (some call them "queefs" or "varts") happen to almost all women at one time or another, especially during sex or other forms of exercise. So don't be embarrassed if your hooha lets out a toot. You're perfectly normal.
I am not really worried about the "varts" its the regular ones when I'm doing situps that I'm afraid of. LOL
Well I'm off to my CPR class so I can re learn how to save someone.
I did NOT win the tacky sweater/cape contest. I did, however, lose to a great item of Holiday Horridness. I then had to deal with the angriest nether regions that I have ever had to deal with in my 34 years on this earth. I guess Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned and Ursula the undulating uterus ganged up against me to show me who is boss. Hahaha bitches, you are gone in T-minus 41 days.
It is starting to really sink in that I am having this procedure done. I cant lie, I'm scared shitless. I know it is for the best, and know that it will alleviate a lot of issues but it is scary. I look at babies differently now. I look at them like, "I know I cant really deal with the raising of baby but I will NEVER be able to have one." By have one I don't mean adoption, I mean have one out of me. It is a disturbing reality. A reality I have to stare at in the mirror but a reality nonetheless. I am really ok with this decision but it does not negate the feelings I have. There is some trepidation but I honestly know that in the end this is for my health.
Kelly will be home in February (whoo hoo) so she can help take care of me after my mom leaves. Joy for her. LOL.
My friend Jolene sent me this article called "15 crazy things about Vaginas."
Item ONE is:
Pubic hair is not just a biological accident that forces us to the waxing salon. It serves three critical functions. First, it protects the delicate vagina. Second, it serves as a reproductive billboard to alert potential mates that you are biologically (if not emotionally) prepared to procreate. And last, it's a pheromone carpet and traps the scents that lead potential mates to the promised land. So you might think twice before you shave it all off. It's there for a reason. Embrace it.
ummmmm HELL NO. This is not the 1970's porn expo in my pants. Her Royal Majesty is not going to look like Buckwheat from the little rascals in a leg lock. As far as the reproductive billboard, yeah AIN'T happening. It is kind of like that billboard that has been left to weather in the elements from an event that happened years earlier but no one cared enough about to take down. Somewhere in a truck lot in east bumblefuck Baltimore. My reproductive billboard is the lot lizard of the billboard world.
Pheromone carpet? I don't even like carpet in my HOUSE why the hell would I want it in my pants?
Item 2. is:
There are 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, dedicated exclusively to female pleasure. The penis only has 4000. Who says God didn't take care of us girls?
This might be the reason why God's name is called wayyyyy more than usual during this activity. Shoutout to the man upstairs. Item 4:
The vagina doesn't connect to the lung. While the vagina can expand, it's not an open conduit to the abdominal cavity. While microscopic sperm can swim through a tiny hole in the cervix, a tampon simply won't fit. So if you lose something in there, don't worry. Reach in all the way and pull it out. Do not -- I repeat, do not -- go hunting for whatever you've lost with a pair of pliers. Think of your vagina as being like a sock. If you lose a banana in a sock...it stays in the sock.
Why does "is that a sock in your pants" have a whole new meaning now.
Item 5:
Yes, it's true -- your vagina can fall out. Not to belabor the sock metaphor, but it can turn inside out just like a worn out sweat sock and hang between your legs as you get older. But don't fret; this condition -- called pelvic prolapse -- can be fixed.
This is what I am afraid of... really? How can I explain that to the hordes of men who will be led to the promised land by my pheromone carpet? She was so happy to meet you that she came out into the front yard?
Item 6:
Vaginas have something in common with sharks. Both contain squalene, a substance that exists in both shark livers and natural vaginal lubricant. (Cue music: "She's a maneater...")
I hope my great white shark vagina does not run out of lubricant (which according to my brother is going to be a dried out husk) because where the hell would I find a shark liver? There is no Chinatown in Baltimore. And I suck big ones at fishing.
Item 9:
While hair on your head can live up to seven years, pubic hair has a life expectancy of about three weeks, which is why it only grows so long. So don't worry if you opt not to groom your pubes -- you won't need to braid them any time soon.
I dont know about you but I have ran into some lack of manscapers who must have pubic hair with a life expectancy of 3 years.
Item 13:
Vaginal farts (some call them "queefs" or "varts") happen to almost all women at one time or another, especially during sex or other forms of exercise. So don't be embarrassed if your hooha lets out a toot. You're perfectly normal.
I am not really worried about the "varts" its the regular ones when I'm doing situps that I'm afraid of. LOL
Well I'm off to my CPR class so I can re learn how to save someone.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Rockem Sockem Ovaries
Hey y'all been a few days since I have made an entry. So here goes nothing.
After being in pain for about 4 days after the horrible test they put me through I thought I had recovered. WRONG!!! My ovaries (Tweedle-Dee andTweedle-Dumb) have gotten the memo about their best friend Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned's early exit and have started letting me now their displeasure about my decision.
I woke up this morning to Rockem Sockem Ovaries ala the children's game of the 1960's. I have gotten used to the pain over the last decade or so but some days are worse than others. I have done this without the use of painkillers for the most part as I have always been afraid of getting addicted to them and I do not really like the way they make me feel. This being said it sucks big donkey balls sometimes and days that I want to curl up in my bed and hug my cats (Dior and Issey, mommy loves you :-) ) but I have to drag myself out of my comfortable bed and head to work with a somewhat happy face. For those who know me in uniform, I usually have people tell me I look mean but underneath the ABUs I'm really a softie.
Our holiday party is coming up this week and even if I feel like crap I will go as I have made the tackiest Christmas Shawl in history. I have seen some of the competition and it is stiff. My friend/escort from previous blog entry Nichole's boyfriend is one of the best I have seen. I on the other hand am unable to grow chest hair so shaving a Christmas tree into said non existent chest chair is not going to happen.
yes. complete with lights and music, made out a tree skirt.
Kelly is still in Afghanistan and wish she would come home in time for my surgery but she wont get home until March which means that after the first week of my mommIE being here I will be on my own. This does concern me a little but I'm sure my bestie will come up here I need her to.
I guess the good things that will come of this hysterectomy are:
1. Less pain, wont take all the pain away but will cut it down drastically
2. added to my sleep disorder I will be on a permanent day schedule (except for mandatory missions to keep currency)
3. with a permanent day schedule I will be able to start college classes for the summer semester. This means I should have my Associates by my birthday.
Christmas is coming up soon and Im not really festive but am making the best of it. Less than 50 days to go until I dont have a uterus. 40 days until my NO baby shower.
Shadow says Merry Catmas to all and to all a good night.
After being in pain for about 4 days after the horrible test they put me through I thought I had recovered. WRONG!!! My ovaries (Tweedle-Dee andTweedle-Dumb) have gotten the memo about their best friend Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned's early exit and have started letting me now their displeasure about my decision.
I woke up this morning to Rockem Sockem Ovaries ala the children's game of the 1960's. I have gotten used to the pain over the last decade or so but some days are worse than others. I have done this without the use of painkillers for the most part as I have always been afraid of getting addicted to them and I do not really like the way they make me feel. This being said it sucks big donkey balls sometimes and days that I want to curl up in my bed and hug my cats (Dior and Issey, mommy loves you :-) ) but I have to drag myself out of my comfortable bed and head to work with a somewhat happy face. For those who know me in uniform, I usually have people tell me I look mean but underneath the ABUs I'm really a softie.
Our holiday party is coming up this week and even if I feel like crap I will go as I have made the tackiest Christmas Shawl in history. I have seen some of the competition and it is stiff. My friend/escort from previous blog entry Nichole's boyfriend is one of the best I have seen. I on the other hand am unable to grow chest hair so shaving a Christmas tree into said non existent chest chair is not going to happen.
yes. complete with lights and music, made out a tree skirt.
Kelly is still in Afghanistan and wish she would come home in time for my surgery but she wont get home until March which means that after the first week of my mommIE being here I will be on my own. This does concern me a little but I'm sure my bestie will come up here I need her to.
I guess the good things that will come of this hysterectomy are:
1. Less pain, wont take all the pain away but will cut it down drastically
2. added to my sleep disorder I will be on a permanent day schedule (except for mandatory missions to keep currency)
3. with a permanent day schedule I will be able to start college classes for the summer semester. This means I should have my Associates by my birthday.
Christmas is coming up soon and Im not really festive but am making the best of it. Less than 50 days to go until I dont have a uterus. 40 days until my NO baby shower.
Shadow says Merry Catmas to all and to all a good night.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
You are vigorous in words and action.
in bed. Well that is what my mommIE says we have to add to the end of fortune cookies, and that was my fortune today. I have a feeling that in February I am NOT going to be feeling too vigorous in words OR actions, especially in bed.
51 days and a wakeup before my hysterectomy. __ days and a wakeup is what we in the military say when we have something to do in the future.... when you are deployed or stationed on a remote it is a way to put a drop dead date. This is my uterus' drop dead date.
I have not written in a few days but I have been pretty busy. Also coming to grips with what I am doing. I have gotten mixed reviews about why I am doing this blog. Again, I am doing this to deal with MY hysterectomy.... not anyone elses. I have figured out in the past that if you bitch, whine and moan about something it is NOT going to make it better so me being down in the dumps about something that is clearly unhealthy is not going to change my diagnosis. Soooooo out with the vahyena. (in my Queen of Hearts voice)
Also because of my pre-op appointments and work commitments before my surgery, I am probably never going to be able to see my step-grandma (Miss Lucy) again. She is not doing well and my mommIE is going to hopefully see her in January. I have my pre-op appointments mid-January and don't know if I will need more evasive procedures done pre-surgery so I can not commit to going with her.
On a lighter note, I realized that I have TWO periods left. TWO. This is awesome. I have gotten to the point that only 2 or 3 days a month is pain free because of Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned. I am ecstatic about this and think that this is the main reason I am really ok with having this procedure done.
I got the space for my NO baby shower reserved (Thanks Ken) and it will be held:
January 22, 2012
Clarion Hotel
6400 Oxon Hill RD, Oxon Hill MD 20745
12-3pm
there is a buffet available until 2pm that is $14ish.
*** New and used baby/children's items will be collected and donated to charity. I called Paul's Place (the soup kitchen I volunteer at) and they said as far as diapers are concerned they need the larger sizes and pullups for both girls and boys.
*** Monetary donations will go to Isa's Warrior Princess fund to help my friend's daughter with her cancer treatment costs. She is 4 years old and is fighting Stage 3 lymphoma. (GO ISABEL!!!) a paypal account for her has been set up with the email address of isawarriorprincess@gmail.com attached to it.
I also went by Cakes Plus to see about a cake for the shower. I don't think they were ready for me as I asked for a NO baby Shower and a Happy Hysterctomy cake. The lady thought I was going to play a cruel joke on someone. Ummm no lady this is for me. She then gave me a look of pity. Don't pity me, I just want a delicious cake crazy lady.
I guess my biggest fear is that no one will want a long lasting relationship with me because I can not bear children. My best boy friend forever (BBFF) says that I can adopt and if someone has a problem with that, he is not for me. I love my Shawn even though he says I am a stalker. I tell him there is no such thing as mutual stalking we just like each other a lot and get over it, he is stuck with me forever. He better want to get in on the ground floor because I am going to make more than him when I retire and hover rounds are expensive! (I do think stalking is horrible and I don't stalk him)
I am not feeling to festive today BUTTTTTT I did find a Christmas Tree AND Mrs. Claus outfit for Shadow so get ready for your Christmas card Kelly. I did good today... They had a free cat adoption ($35.00 fee) at Pet Smart today and I KEPT WALKING... only because the cat I like had diarrhea and stank up the whole entire place. Poor kitten but it was uber cute. Plus it's Kelly's turn to get an animal.
I also am in a little pain because I got my half sleeve tattoo finished yesterday and I already made appointments for my artist to come to my house and tattoo my feet while I am on bed rest. Unfortunately my tattoo artist (Calvin "Champ" Parker) will NOT tattoo "Thugg Life" on my stomach. I am very upset at this but he says it is for my own good. I think if we bedazzle it, it can be a super cute tattoo.
I am also in the process of making a tacky Christmas Shawl. So you and your tacky Christmas sweater can suck it. I will be making this out of a velvet tree skirt. This is taking longer than I expected as the lights are being a little pain to put on but it will happen and I will post pictures. This may be a career idea just like the Tacky Christmas Sweater lady. This makes me a jewelry and shawl making cat lady.
Well I gotta to finish putting this garland on my shawl. Later.
51 days and a wakeup before my hysterectomy. __ days and a wakeup is what we in the military say when we have something to do in the future.... when you are deployed or stationed on a remote it is a way to put a drop dead date. This is my uterus' drop dead date.
I have not written in a few days but I have been pretty busy. Also coming to grips with what I am doing. I have gotten mixed reviews about why I am doing this blog. Again, I am doing this to deal with MY hysterectomy.... not anyone elses. I have figured out in the past that if you bitch, whine and moan about something it is NOT going to make it better so me being down in the dumps about something that is clearly unhealthy is not going to change my diagnosis. Soooooo out with the vahyena. (in my Queen of Hearts voice)
Also because of my pre-op appointments and work commitments before my surgery, I am probably never going to be able to see my step-grandma (Miss Lucy) again. She is not doing well and my mommIE is going to hopefully see her in January. I have my pre-op appointments mid-January and don't know if I will need more evasive procedures done pre-surgery so I can not commit to going with her.
On a lighter note, I realized that I have TWO periods left. TWO. This is awesome. I have gotten to the point that only 2 or 3 days a month is pain free because of Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned. I am ecstatic about this and think that this is the main reason I am really ok with having this procedure done.
I got the space for my NO baby shower reserved (Thanks Ken) and it will be held:
January 22, 2012
Clarion Hotel
6400 Oxon Hill RD, Oxon Hill MD 20745
12-3pm
there is a buffet available until 2pm that is $14ish.
*** New and used baby/children's items will be collected and donated to charity. I called Paul's Place (the soup kitchen I volunteer at) and they said as far as diapers are concerned they need the larger sizes and pullups for both girls and boys.
*** Monetary donations will go to Isa's Warrior Princess fund to help my friend's daughter with her cancer treatment costs. She is 4 years old and is fighting Stage 3 lymphoma. (GO ISABEL!!!) a paypal account for her has been set up with the email address of isawarriorprincess@gmail.com attached to it.
I also went by Cakes Plus to see about a cake for the shower. I don't think they were ready for me as I asked for a NO baby Shower and a Happy Hysterctomy cake. The lady thought I was going to play a cruel joke on someone. Ummm no lady this is for me. She then gave me a look of pity. Don't pity me, I just want a delicious cake crazy lady.
I guess my biggest fear is that no one will want a long lasting relationship with me because I can not bear children. My best boy friend forever (BBFF) says that I can adopt and if someone has a problem with that, he is not for me. I love my Shawn even though he says I am a stalker. I tell him there is no such thing as mutual stalking we just like each other a lot and get over it, he is stuck with me forever. He better want to get in on the ground floor because I am going to make more than him when I retire and hover rounds are expensive! (I do think stalking is horrible and I don't stalk him)
I am not feeling to festive today BUTTTTTT I did find a Christmas Tree AND Mrs. Claus outfit for Shadow so get ready for your Christmas card Kelly. I did good today... They had a free cat adoption ($35.00 fee) at Pet Smart today and I KEPT WALKING... only because the cat I like had diarrhea and stank up the whole entire place. Poor kitten but it was uber cute. Plus it's Kelly's turn to get an animal.
I also am in a little pain because I got my half sleeve tattoo finished yesterday and I already made appointments for my artist to come to my house and tattoo my feet while I am on bed rest. Unfortunately my tattoo artist (Calvin "Champ" Parker) will NOT tattoo "Thugg Life" on my stomach. I am very upset at this but he says it is for my own good. I think if we bedazzle it, it can be a super cute tattoo.
I am also in the process of making a tacky Christmas Shawl. So you and your tacky Christmas sweater can suck it. I will be making this out of a velvet tree skirt. This is taking longer than I expected as the lights are being a little pain to put on but it will happen and I will post pictures. This may be a career idea just like the Tacky Christmas Sweater lady. This makes me a jewelry and shawl making cat lady.
Well I gotta to finish putting this garland on my shawl. Later.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Don't Touch it YOUR'E going to DIE.
So my mommIE (that's the way she likes it spelled) is probably going to kill me over this post but here goes nothing.
Don't Touch it Your'e going to Die was a mantra my brother and I grew up with. This was yelled usually after our whole names "Morgan MacKenzie Wright get the hell in here" or right after the ship's bell... yes I said SHIP bell was rang which in itself would embarrass the fuck out of us because all of our friends thought it was the ice cream man but alas it was Angry Mom.
Whenever we would hurt ourselves we would hear this. This was heard when I got stung by a bee (allergic and swell up like Violet on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), this was also heard when I had talked Nathan into sticking a crape myrtle bud in his nose.... it wasnt my freaking fault that the idiot sucked in instead of snot rocketing it out like I SHOWED him. When he heard he was going to die he started crying and sucked it in more which got said bud really really stuck. A quick trip to the ER got it out.
This is going to be playing in my head when my mommIE takes care of me after my surgery. Don't get me wrong she is the strongest person I know but.... she can be a little weird at times. I keep having thoughts of her having remembrance or memorial ceremonies for Her Majesty Queen of the Damned. A candlelight vigil might be nice also how long of a mourning period is there for a loss of this magnitude? Are we talking tacky rest in peace shirts or full on Victorian era type mourning.
Though mourning jewelry has existed for thousands of years, it reached its peak during the Victorian era. Only jet (black amber) jewelry was allowed during First Mourning. Hair art was a popular trend. Hair of the deceased would be incorporated into lockets, brooches, watch fobs, and rings..... this is NOT going to happen, that would be awkward as hell.
For one entire year, a woman could not leave her house without Full Mourning attire and a weeping veil. She could attend church services, but was never to be seen at places of amusement or entertainment. Even the houses were fully draped in black crepe banners to signify that there had been a death.... yeah right. The death of my birthing ability is not going to make me mourn for shit... Probably throw a thanks for being there for 34 or so years but glad to see you go. The veil might be cool though, just like a little jauntily perched wisp of lace type material, but I think it may be against AFI 36-2903 and according to them I am just soooo precariously perching on the line with not shaving my legs (I did not realize this was so offensive to that many people.... when are they going to add mens chest/back hair that creeps up above their collars?). Oh yeah about leg hair, I have noticed that when I dont have a boyfriend my leg hair tends to grow at a faster rate OR I just get lazy. I tried to shave yesterday before my appointment and that didnt go to well so I just wore long socks. I dont think they noticed.
On a serious note, I need to redo my Will as Ray the "oh yeah this is my wife" Lewis is still on there and we allll know how that low budget episode of Cheaters went. (I did NOT beat the shit out of him as I was in Virginia and they like to arrest people) This is just in case something horrible happens. I also want to donate my body to science, specifically to the body farm at the University of Tennessee because that would just be bad ass. I wonder if they will take the random uterus? What's up Dr. Bass... call me!
I, Morgan Wright, do hereby dispose of and give my body, after my death, to The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, for use by the Department of Anthropology or its designee, for educational and research purposes. I request, authorize, and instruct my surviving spouse, next-of-kin, executor or the
physician who certifies my death to notify The University of Tennessee, Department of
Anthropology (telephone: (865) 974-4408), immediately after my death of the
availability of my body.
Maybe they can keep my tattoos... that would be creepy but would probably make a great lampshade. But again the ADD has kicked in... back on topic Morgan, your vahyena.
She hates me again today. I'm hoping it is just from the biopsy yesterday but maybe she heard her time here is limited and has started packing up shop.
Here is a picture of Kelly's cat Shadow. This is what I do besides make jewelry and work.
Don't Touch it Your'e going to Die was a mantra my brother and I grew up with. This was yelled usually after our whole names "Morgan MacKenzie Wright get the hell in here" or right after the ship's bell... yes I said SHIP bell was rang which in itself would embarrass the fuck out of us because all of our friends thought it was the ice cream man but alas it was Angry Mom.
Whenever we would hurt ourselves we would hear this. This was heard when I got stung by a bee (allergic and swell up like Violet on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), this was also heard when I had talked Nathan into sticking a crape myrtle bud in his nose.... it wasnt my freaking fault that the idiot sucked in instead of snot rocketing it out like I SHOWED him. When he heard he was going to die he started crying and sucked it in more which got said bud really really stuck. A quick trip to the ER got it out.
This is going to be playing in my head when my mommIE takes care of me after my surgery. Don't get me wrong she is the strongest person I know but.... she can be a little weird at times. I keep having thoughts of her having remembrance or memorial ceremonies for Her Majesty Queen of the Damned. A candlelight vigil might be nice also how long of a mourning period is there for a loss of this magnitude? Are we talking tacky rest in peace shirts or full on Victorian era type mourning.
Though mourning jewelry has existed for thousands of years, it reached its peak during the Victorian era. Only jet (black amber) jewelry was allowed during First Mourning. Hair art was a popular trend. Hair of the deceased would be incorporated into lockets, brooches, watch fobs, and rings..... this is NOT going to happen, that would be awkward as hell.
For one entire year, a woman could not leave her house without Full Mourning attire and a weeping veil. She could attend church services, but was never to be seen at places of amusement or entertainment. Even the houses were fully draped in black crepe banners to signify that there had been a death.... yeah right. The death of my birthing ability is not going to make me mourn for shit... Probably throw a thanks for being there for 34 or so years but glad to see you go. The veil might be cool though, just like a little jauntily perched wisp of lace type material, but I think it may be against AFI 36-2903 and according to them I am just soooo precariously perching on the line with not shaving my legs (I did not realize this was so offensive to that many people.... when are they going to add mens chest/back hair that creeps up above their collars?). Oh yeah about leg hair, I have noticed that when I dont have a boyfriend my leg hair tends to grow at a faster rate OR I just get lazy. I tried to shave yesterday before my appointment and that didnt go to well so I just wore long socks. I dont think they noticed.
On a serious note, I need to redo my Will as Ray the "oh yeah this is my wife" Lewis is still on there and we allll know how that low budget episode of Cheaters went. (I did NOT beat the shit out of him as I was in Virginia and they like to arrest people) This is just in case something horrible happens. I also want to donate my body to science, specifically to the body farm at the University of Tennessee because that would just be bad ass. I wonder if they will take the random uterus? What's up Dr. Bass... call me!
I, Morgan Wright, do hereby dispose of and give my body, after my death, to The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, for use by the Department of Anthropology or its designee, for educational and research purposes. I request, authorize, and instruct my surviving spouse, next-of-kin, executor or the
physician who certifies my death to notify The University of Tennessee, Department of
Anthropology (telephone: (865) 974-4408), immediately after my death of the
availability of my body.
Maybe they can keep my tattoos... that would be creepy but would probably make a great lampshade. But again the ADD has kicked in... back on topic Morgan, your vahyena.
She hates me again today. I'm hoping it is just from the biopsy yesterday but maybe she heard her time here is limited and has started packing up shop.
Here is a picture of Kelly's cat Shadow. This is what I do besides make jewelry and work.
Not a good day... but I'm here
So let's start off with the good news. Nichole my petite escort is safe and sound. I on the other hand wanted to crawl up in a ball and die. Why cant men have tests like this? I think then they would understand why we can become bitchy once a month.
The appointment started off well. The medicine is not going on my list of 1. Stripper tools or 2. Pain killer of any sort. I would have been better off sucking on a sucrets lozenge or better yet shoving one up my hoo hah and hoping for the best.
I had a pap done also which went as uncomfortable as normal but the real kicker happened when they did the culture of my uterus, which for those of you who DONT know.... is not really supposed to see the light of day so to say there are some security measures (aka CERVIX) is an understatement. This being said I could probably equate the pain to what I would assume the victims of Vlad the Impaler went through.
I have to get ready for work even though I just want to lay in bed with a heating pad.
My doctor did say that I will probably get the less invasive laporscopic (cant spell) surgery because as she says right before turning bright red... "Its pretty tight up in there" Yeahhhh budddy!!
Well me and Vlaad the Vagina are getting ready to go save the world. See Yall later.
The appointment started off well. The medicine is not going on my list of 1. Stripper tools or 2. Pain killer of any sort. I would have been better off sucking on a sucrets lozenge or better yet shoving one up my hoo hah and hoping for the best.
I had a pap done also which went as uncomfortable as normal but the real kicker happened when they did the culture of my uterus, which for those of you who DONT know.... is not really supposed to see the light of day so to say there are some security measures (aka CERVIX) is an understatement. This being said I could probably equate the pain to what I would assume the victims of Vlad the Impaler went through.
I have to get ready for work even though I just want to lay in bed with a heating pad.
My doctor did say that I will probably get the less invasive laporscopic (cant spell) surgery because as she says right before turning bright red... "Its pretty tight up in there" Yeahhhh budddy!!
Well me and Vlaad the Vagina are getting ready to go save the world. See Yall later.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Chelsea Handler.... call me girl! :-)
So this will be my daily funniest FB posts/conversations regarding my doomed Vahyena (yes vagina and hyena mixed as I feel Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned is laughing like a hyena at me.
Most of these wonders in comedic content come from my brother and I... here goes nothing.
Nate: We should have one of dad's metal working friends make a Memorial plaque. We can put on mommie and daddie porch and name it the Morgan Wright Vagina Memorial Porch (1977-2012)
Me: Lmaoooo... Or the potter dude. Memorial plate collection. Put it right next to the cement fertility goddess... Fat bit of good that bitch did. Lol
Nate: BAHAHAHAHA, we can have his whole artist collective do representational memorial art show in his gallery
Me: Instead of 10,000 villages it can be 10,000 vaginas.
This is from Nate's page...
Nate: So this is my sister's, Morgan Wright's, new blog about her upcoming hysterectomy and the dried out husk that will be her vagina. ENJOY!
Me: Dried out husk? WTF dude... KY all day.
Nate's friend: i'm 'liking' your sisters dried up vagina. facebook takes me new places everyday
Me: Thanks. I just have to remember to hydrate hydrate hydrate... And not get kicked out of support groups.
Nate's Friend: Impowering
Me: Tell that to the nun and lesbian that got me kicked out of the support group.... Might be the same person. Hahahaha
This banter has made me think of what to do with my "new" space. I figure this would be a great way to finally break into that challenging career of drug mule for the Mexican Cartels.
Or TLC could bring back Trading Spaces... I'm sure it would look great redecorated.
Imagine the Storage Wars that could go on up in there.... whooo hooo I can see the auctioneer "Hey folks you have five minutes to look but cant touch any items and cant go into the unit."
I do have some concerns.... I have always heard the old saying "like a hot dog down a hallway" to explain the extra room in a woman's lady area (or as my friend Tua describes it... lady pond)
Most of these wonders in comedic content come from my brother and I... here goes nothing.
Nate: We should have one of dad's metal working friends make a Memorial plaque. We can put on mommie and daddie porch and name it the Morgan Wright Vagina Memorial Porch (1977-2012)
Me: Lmaoooo... Or the potter dude. Memorial plate collection. Put it right next to the cement fertility goddess... Fat bit of good that bitch did. Lol
Nate: BAHAHAHAHA, we can have his whole artist collective do representational memorial art show in his gallery
Me: Instead of 10,000 villages it can be 10,000 vaginas.
This is from Nate's page...
Nate: So this is my sister's, Morgan Wright's, new blog about her upcoming hysterectomy and the dried out husk that will be her vagina. ENJOY!
Me: Dried out husk? WTF dude... KY all day.
Nate's friend: i'm 'liking' your sisters dried up vagina. facebook takes me new places everyday
Me: Thanks. I just have to remember to hydrate hydrate hydrate... And not get kicked out of support groups.
Nate's Friend: Impowering
Me: Tell that to the nun and lesbian that got me kicked out of the support group.... Might be the same person. Hahahaha
This banter has made me think of what to do with my "new" space. I figure this would be a great way to finally break into that challenging career of drug mule for the Mexican Cartels.
Or TLC could bring back Trading Spaces... I'm sure it would look great redecorated.
Imagine the Storage Wars that could go on up in there.... whooo hooo I can see the auctioneer "Hey folks you have five minutes to look but cant touch any items and cant go into the unit."
I do have some concerns.... I have always heard the old saying "like a hot dog down a hallway" to explain the extra room in a woman's lady area (or as my friend Tua describes it... lady pond)
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