I did NOT win the tacky sweater/cape contest. I did, however, lose to a great item of Holiday Horridness. I then had to deal with the angriest nether regions that I have ever had to deal with in my 34 years on this earth. I guess Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Damned and Ursula the undulating uterus ganged up against me to show me who is boss. Hahaha bitches, you are gone in T-minus 41 days.
It is starting to really sink in that I am having this procedure done. I cant lie, I'm scared shitless. I know it is for the best, and know that it will alleviate a lot of issues but it is scary. I look at babies differently now. I look at them like, "I know I cant really deal with the raising of baby but I will NEVER be able to have one." By have one I don't mean adoption, I mean have one out of me. It is a disturbing reality. A reality I have to stare at in the mirror but a reality nonetheless. I am really ok with this decision but it does not negate the feelings I have. There is some trepidation but I honestly know that in the end this is for my health.
Kelly will be home in February (whoo hoo) so she can help take care of me after my mom leaves. Joy for her. LOL.
My friend Jolene sent me this article called "15 crazy things about Vaginas."
Item ONE is:
Pubic hair is not just a biological accident that forces us to the waxing salon. It serves three critical functions. First, it protects the delicate vagina. Second, it serves as a reproductive billboard to alert potential mates that you are biologically (if not emotionally) prepared to procreate. And last, it's a pheromone carpet and traps the scents that lead potential mates to the promised land. So you might think twice before you shave it all off. It's there for a reason. Embrace it.
ummmmm HELL NO. This is not the 1970's porn expo in my pants. Her Royal Majesty is not going to look like Buckwheat from the little rascals in a leg lock. As far as the reproductive billboard, yeah AIN'T happening. It is kind of like that billboard that has been left to weather in the elements from an event that happened years earlier but no one cared enough about to take down. Somewhere in a truck lot in east bumblefuck Baltimore. My reproductive billboard is the lot lizard of the billboard world.
Pheromone carpet? I don't even like carpet in my HOUSE why the hell would I want it in my pants?
Item 2. is:
There are 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, dedicated exclusively to female pleasure. The penis only has 4000. Who says God didn't take care of us girls?
This might be the reason why God's name is called wayyyyy more than usual during this activity. Shoutout to the man upstairs. Item 4:
The vagina doesn't connect to the lung. While the vagina can expand, it's not an open conduit to the abdominal cavity. While microscopic sperm can swim through a tiny hole in the cervix, a tampon simply won't fit. So if you lose something in there, don't worry. Reach in all the way and pull it out. Do not -- I repeat, do not -- go hunting for whatever you've lost with a pair of pliers. Think of your vagina as being like a sock. If you lose a banana in a sock...it stays in the sock.
Why does "is that a sock in your pants" have a whole new meaning now.
Item 5:
Yes, it's true -- your vagina can fall out. Not to belabor the sock metaphor, but it can turn inside out just like a worn out sweat sock and hang between your legs as you get older. But don't fret; this condition -- called pelvic prolapse -- can be fixed.
This is what I am afraid of... really? How can I explain that to the hordes of men who will be led to the promised land by my pheromone carpet? She was so happy to meet you that she came out into the front yard?
Item 6:
Vaginas have something in common with sharks. Both contain squalene, a substance that exists in both shark livers and natural vaginal lubricant. (Cue music: "She's a maneater...")
I hope my great white shark vagina does not run out of lubricant (which according to my brother is going to be a dried out husk) because where the hell would I find a shark liver? There is no Chinatown in Baltimore. And I suck big ones at fishing.
Item 9:
While hair on your head can live up to seven years, pubic hair has a life expectancy of about three weeks, which is why it only grows so long. So don't worry if you opt not to groom your pubes -- you won't need to braid them any time soon.
I dont know about you but I have ran into some lack of manscapers who must have pubic hair with a life expectancy of 3 years.
Item 13:
Vaginal farts (some call them "queefs" or "varts") happen to almost all women at one time or another, especially during sex or other forms of exercise. So don't be embarrassed if your hooha lets out a toot. You're perfectly normal.
I am not really worried about the "varts" its the regular ones when I'm doing situps that I'm afraid of. LOL
Well I'm off to my CPR class so I can re learn how to save someone.
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