58 Days to go...

Hello All.  This is my first attempt at a blog so bear with me.  Some of the things I will mention in my blog will probably be crass, weird, crazy and just plain funny.  This is my attempt to show people who may be going through the same issue as I am that there is a way to deal with it with humor rather than depression.  I suck at grammar so deal with the lack of proper punctuation.  I also have ADD so as far as staying on topic.... forget it!

My name is Morgan Wright and I am 34 years old.  I am a SSgt in the Air Force and live in Baltimore Maryland with my roommate Kelly (deployed to Afghanistan right now) and 3 cats.  I only claim Dior and Issey as Shadow belongs to Kelly.  I have been told that January 31st 2012 I will be the last day I will have a uterus and a cervix.  This blog is a countdown to that date.  Also what I assume to be my countdown to becoming a cat lady as I have heard if they take a pussy they give you one on the way out of the hospital.  Yessss, I can't wait.

I dont know wether or not to start this like a bad episode of Star Trek...... Star date 5 December... journey into the final C*unteir or a trip down the Hysterectomy Highway but here goes nothing.

I have had issues with my lady parts and have never had a cute name for it but as of right now I will start calling it Her Royal Magesty, Queen of the Damned (HRM,QD for short) as I feel that she hates me.  I have always had painful periods and was diagnosed with endometriosis and put on a wonderful (NOT) medication called Depot Lupron which was HELL in a needle.  I was 24 when this happened and I got put into medical menopause for 6 months.  The lack of a period was great but the other stuff sucked big donkey balls.  After the 6 months of excessive weight gain, night sweats, mood swings and hot flashes I became pre-diabetic.  I must also note that I have almost always worked a rotating shift schedule which I now have learned has added to my feminine issues.  After that I said F it and I would deal with the pain on my own. 

12 years or so ago I started having pretty bad unexplained back pain after a fall on my left hip but no one has been able to figure out.  I now understand that my flipped cervix and jacked up uterus can be adding to that by putting pressure on my nerves in my back.  Cool.  Not only is my messed up hoo hah causing me pain in the front but in the back as well.  Damn you HRM,QD you suck.  Also being flipped has had its funny parts... once a doctor shut the speculum ON my cervix and I told him that "hey buddy I need that for later" and my regular doctor was like "where the F is it? I might need the jaws of life for this sucker" (Dr. Rinis rocks!)

I have had a sneaking suspicion that after my last MRI in October where they found some fibroids, cysts and a Leiomyoma that a hysterctomy was in my near future.  My Grandmere died from a leiomyosarcoma and I have just been waiting for "my cancer" as every woman in my family has had some type of cancer except for my cousin and I. 

The first time the H word was brought up to me was about 12 years ago right before I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  I was told that I should get a double mascectomy and a full hysterectomy since cancer ran in my family and I might have the cancer "genes". Note to everyone.... do not tell the Male OB/GYN that he should cut his nuts off if he has testicular cancer in his family.  He didnt like that too much.
     *** sidenote... I do NOT like male OB/GYNs.  How can you explain to me why I have pain when you dont have the same freaking parts as me?  Also being told the "pain is in your head" by someone with a penis makes me want to punch them in it and ask where is the pain now asshole?

I had my appointment with Dr. Hudson at Bethesda National Naval Medcial Center on the 2nd of December.  She is awesome but a horrible artist.  According to her, my uterus looks like a light bulb. 
Now prior to this appointment I was at work talking with my friend Karen.  I brought up that this may be "the appointment" and we started discussing if you get to choose which parts to keep.  I didnt realize that you can keep your ovaries and just get rid of your uterus and vice versa.   I think that is cool.  I did ask Dr. Hudson what happens to the eggs since they will have no way to go.... I didnt want to get a new party trick "Come one, come all watch Morgan shoot egss out of her hoo hah" as I already have some pretty cool tricks of my own up my sleeve since all I do is work, make jewelry and dress up my roommates cat.  Ok when I say it out loud I seem to have a sad existence but I have fun doing all of that so Im pretty freaking cool. 
Dr. Hudson assured me that I would not be able to shoot eggs out of my snatch so I was relieved.  I also asked her what the chances were of a prolapse of my bladder or anything since I dont know what the hell goes on up in there and figured that my cervix was kind of like the cork on a bottle of wine.  She said that wont happen in most cases.

That is what I am afraid of.... most cases.... For those of you who dont know me.  I am UNLUCKY AS SHIT.  My cat popped my stitches from vascular surgery leaving me with a hole in my leg, I broke BOTH ELBOWS in a freak roller skating accident, I got MRSA from the gym while trying to get in a shape other than round and squishy and when I quit smoking I gained weight, cant breathe while working out and now need a hysterectomy. I think I was being held together from the tar from the newports I smoked. 

I will probably have body parts falling out left and right but maybe I can get the wonderful trans vaginal mesh I keep seeing on the class action law suit commercials.... AND I will have a screen door on the porch of loneliness.  SCORE!!!

So with my fears smoothed I moved on to scheduling my surgery.  It has been scheduled for 31 January 2012.  Upon telling my mother (who has no grandkids) she was cool with it.  So cool in fact that she called my little brother to tell him the "court is in your balls now".  This is my family.

I have set up a NO Baby Shower for the 22nd of January (snow date 29 January) to collect baby and childrens items, new or slightly used, that I can donate to charity.  Cash donations will be donated to Isabel's Warrior Princess fund to help my friends 4 year old daughter with her cancer treatment costs (it's $250.00 everytime she gets admitted to the hospital even though the deductible has been met. 

Well I'm off to make jewelry and think about my next entry.